Going Back To Basics

I have often joked with friends about the joys of having a teenager and all their mood swings and attitude that comes with it. I foolishly thought that would never happen with my child. We have a great relationship. We have an open and honest lines of communication. Jordan has always gone along with whatever goofy plan or project we were doing. I've always treated him with respect and avoided talking down to him. Jordan has a good head on his shoulders and has always been goal orientated. He keeps good grades at school and has been planning the steps he needs to follow to get into the college of his choice and to follow his dreams to become a computer programmer.

Literally since his 13th birthday he has been making gradual changes to fit the typical teen mold. At first the attitude showed up in full force. He and I had a chat about how just because we hear about the dreaded "teenage attitude" didn't mean he needed jump right on the band wagon. Soon his attitude cooled and I had my reasonable child again. Recently his attitude is back, this time he's not doing it for show. The rebellion is there too. Thankfully it's not nearly as bad as it could be. Really, refusing to brush his teeth isn't going to hurt me any. (Why is that one of the main things for teens to do? They all seem to feel having gunky teeth and funky breath is acceptable. Yuck!). It broke my heart during our last bucket list when Jordan started opting out of our activities. We try to plan activities that all of us will enjoy and some of the ones Jordan opted out of are things he enjoys doing, like family game day. I had excepted most of these things and accept that they won't last forever. He's attitude towards his younger brothers has been less than kind. He stopped accepting responsibility for his property and his actions. I needed him to understand just how not okay this was.

When his behavior in class started to go south along with his grades.  Assignments weren't getting done or turned in. Homework almost never came home. He picked up the habit of taking things just because he wanted them. Nothing major just swiping things that belonged to other family members. Then there was the hiding of and lying about taking the objects because he knew it was wrong. He has tested out using "little lies" over little things. I understand that middle school age is when kids start messing up. I remember all the trouble I caused when I was younger. While its part of growing up and figuring out who you are. I want to keep Jordan from doing things he may regret when he gets older (like dropping his GPA drastically), or tarnishing his relationships with his brothers.

I have tried informal talks about his behavior, then formal "sit down we need to talk" talks, taking away privileges and haven't seen much change. I figured I needed to try something more drastic to make sure he gets the message he's going astray. I didn't want him feeling like there's always the threat of losing something; that good choices equals more privileges. I was informed that Jordan is the only 13 year old in America who does NOT have a cell phone; I know I'm a heartless mom :p

I thought maybe the lines have become fuzzy about what was expected of him. We have a list of house rules that have been in place and posted for years, it seems they're more like just part of the decor now. I sat down and wrote out a contract for all 3 boys, outlining exactly what was expected of them and the consequences for not upholding the end.  So while he was in school I rid Jordan's room of everything except his bed, dresser, desk, and his books.  I went old school and setup "star charts". He has the opportunity to earn back all his stuff by maintaining his responsibilities. The younger boys still have their toys in their room because they have been doing well and losing a privilege is still working with them. I made contracts for all the boys so Jordan didn't feel singled out and they were a good reminder for the younger ones.

After school I sat down with each of them one-on-one and went over their contracts and chart.  They all signed that they agreed with the terms, some more readily than others. The general gist is maintain your responsibilities listed on your chart. If you skip 3 things you lose a privilege, if you have no privileges to lose than you have one week to complete either a book report or history report determined by mom (I try to get in education wherever I can). If you complete the week with no lost  privileges or reports you earn back a privilege (or an additional privilege if you had not lost anything). Taking things that don't belong to you (no matter how insignificant) and lying (even the little white ones) result in an automatic report.  I'm also not a fan of assigning chores, that everyone just helps out because we all live here, but each boys was assigned two chores a week, that will rotate every two weeks. The chores as been an added blessing, because I get a break from doing dishes for two weeks :)

The point of the "star chart" was to get them back in the habit of completing things that have slowly been slipping away. Example: Jordan had not been bring homework home so one of his responsibilities was to bring all school books/folders home everyday. That way he was sure to have the materials he needed to complete his assignments. After little over a week he was in the habit of stopping at his locker to gather his books. He now only has to bring just the materials needed home, unless he starts "forgetting" again.

I've had our contracts and charts in place for about a month, they seem to be helping. There has been a couple reports turned in to mom and privileges that had been regained and lost again. Sometimes while trying to help our children find their way, we have to go back to what had worked in the past. Jordan is working hard to get back on track so he doesn't have to do the little kids "star charts" (No, I don't actually put star stickers on Jordan's chart). 

Confession Of A Charging Rhino

I have not given a Orange Rhino update since December 26th, when I had raised my voice after the boys were giggly and antsy during midnight mass. I understand their goofiness was more likely due to it being so late (early?) and my own exhaustion, however I did lose my cool and allow my voice to be raised. I only mark down when I wasn't successful and with everything had was going on with the holidays I completely forgot to count how many days I had not yelled. Things have been going swimming that I would have not thought about my commitment to the Orange Rhino, but last Friday I yelled. (Boy, did I yell!) Before I get to why I flew off the handle let me tally up how many yell free days I already had under my belt. 23 days! That's a new record for me. For 23 days I did not yell, raise my voice or even talk through my teeth. I hadn't even been concentrating on not yelling.  Not until the day I totally blew it.

Jordan doesn't get to spend much time with friends during basketball season between practices, games, and homework. After Thursday's game (which was their first home court win, YAY!) he asked to go home with a friend, things were busy for that day. He made plans to spend some time with his buddy the next day after practice with the understanding he would complete any homework over the weekend. It ended up being trying to arrange how Jordan was to get to his friend's house, as the friend was not on the basketball team, and I wouldn't allow Jordan to walk alone after practice. Most of the plotting and planning was left up to the boys. Jordan was to finalize the plans with his friend and call me after school but before practice to let me know if I'd have to double back to drop him off at his friends. I planned on taking younger boys sledding as soon as  they got out of school, making homemade pizza and playing a couple board games or watch a movie of their choice. Spending some one-on two-time isn't as good as one-on-one time, but we take what we can get (one-on-one time as a single parent is harder to come by).

Being helpful but still leaving the responsibility up to Jordan I sent him a reminder text "call mom" when school let out (at 2:50). Giving him the benefit of doubt that he'll remember, I waited for him to call. I just wanted to know what the plan was so I would know if I could head straight to the snow hill with the other boys or to hang out to give him ride. Five minutes before practice (3:15) I called him, and I after a couple rings was sent to voice mail, I wasn't happy about it ,but understandably he could already be practicing. I figured just to play it safe the boys and I will hang out and wait for Jordan in case he does need a ride (4:00). Blessedly the other boys were being exceptionally well behaved. We had a half hour to wait before practice was over. For a while we entertained each other with how our days had gone so far and  all 3 of us singing horribly off key with the radio. I finally get a text from Jordan (at 4:25) "I think his mom's coming to pick me up". I text back that I'm already there and I'll just drive so she doesn't have to come back out in the snow. Then we wait. And wait. Other kids were now leaving practice and we're still waiting (4:45). Sensing that mom was going to lose it Jake and Joe contently played with action figures and cards without any arguing. I tried calling Jordan (4:50) and every time I got sent to voicemail after fewer and fewer rings, the more irritated I get. I tried texting him (5:00) No response. I drive around the school hoping to spot the other mom so I can get my two that are being angels to the hill. I didn't see her. Thankfully she wasn't there as I was feeling really bad that my kid was making her wait for over a half hour. Finally (5:10) I get a call from Jordan!! By now my nerves are fried, I informed him in a not very pleasant tone that I have been sitting there for over an hour waiting to find out if he had a ride. My goofy kid's response to that "Cool, I'll call (friend's name) and see if his mom will come get me." That's when I lost it! I screamed at him to get his behind outside right then. He must have finally figured out that I wasn't all too pleased with him, as he came out wearing his practice clothes and only carrying his gym bag (5:15). Believe it or not talking to his friend on the phone. I not so nicely inquired about his backpack and coat and he pushed me over the end by giving me "in a minute" hand gesture. I wasn't nice about informing him he had lost his phone and send him back into he school to get his coat and book bag. By then my blood is boiling. As he returns and hands over his lifeline to his friends, the phone beeps. His friends responding message to him "just walk to my house". He is granted 30 seconds to call and let the friend know he wouldn't be coming over and the plans for the following weekend to stay the night over there are canceled. I was fuming and along with the taking away the phone I went for where it really hurt and he lost electronics until further notice.

Bless the younger two who sat very still and quiet during my exchange with Jordan, and who managed to play nicely for the 45 minutes we had to wait for Jordan, never once asking when we were going to the hill. Although I was beyond upset with Jordan, I was extremely proud of the younger two. We all proceeded to the snow hill down the street, I was not going to let Jordan's mess up, take away from what I had promised the other boys. The whole ride there Jordan tried convincing me of how unreasonable I was for requesting to know what his plan were, even blaming "no signal" for not calling (but had no explanation for how the "signal" worked for his friend to call him). I did what had been my habit and lectured (loudly) the whole way there.

Once at the hill, Jordan hops out with the rest of us and grabs a sled. I was still too upset with him to let the whole thing go. Jordan was granted the opportunity to sit in the van (wrapped in blankets) for a half hour so he could better understand how the rest of us had felt, when we were eager to go sledding. The younger boys and I took to the hill which we had mostly to ourselves. I made sure I could keep an eye on Jordan and the van the whole time. While the boys raced down the hill, I was able to distress before Jordan joined us. After exactly 30 minutes Jordan got out of the van and was walking towards us with his snow clothes on and a snowboard in hand. I apologized to him (and the other boys) for yelling, after a bit he then apologized for not calling and we let the subject drop. We had races down the hill seeing which pairing off sent us down the hill the fastest.

We actually had a fairly decent evening after that. We ended up grabbing a pizza (as it was too late to start cooking dinner) and picnicked on my bed while watching old HVS home movies.

While most of my blow up was internal, I did lash out with my words at Jordan. I had raised my voice and I had tried to make him feel just how upset he made me. That's not how I want to raise my boys. People make mistakes and people upset you, but that does give them (or you) the right to lay into them. I knew there were better ways to handle the situation, but at the time I was too irritated to look for them. While I had yelled, I can see the progress I have made. I was able to let go the frustration and disappointment in myself for yelling and move on. In the past I would have held on to the anger both with myself and with Jordan. I would have continued to lecture Jordan every time he reached the top of hill making it a very unpleasant event for both of us. Or I would have just taken everyone home, even though the other two had one nothing wrong, made soup or cereal for dinner and hole myself up in my room.

By letting go my anger of "just how irresponsible my 13can be" and seeing it for what it was, my teenager was only thinking about himself and his wants, typical teenager behavior. I know in my heart he didn't do it to be disrespectful, even if it had felt that way at the time. My not dwelling on how "I had destroyed my kids, by yelling", we were able to salvage the night.

I know  I'm not the only parent who has lost their temper with a teenager over something in hindsight doesn't seem like it called for the tongue lashing they got. This is by far not one of my proudest parenting moments, but as you can see we are all still learning and growing, myself as much so as my boys.

I'm back on "The Orange Rhino Wagon" yesterday was day 5 of yelling less, loving more.

Living Like an Orange Rhino

T'was the night before my son's first game. Every creature was scurrying about. All were trying to get tomorrows school clothes laid out. Every child should have been in bed; and Mama was trying to remember her Orange Rhino and not lose her head.

This night has the makings for a really bad bedtime story and I'm sure if I wasn't so frazzled I could finish the whole thing in rhyme. This is how our evening after 5 days of relaxing has been going. The whole 5 days has been great, until we left Grandma's house late. This weeks laundry stacks were larger than usual (How my boys had gone through more clothes lounging around than they do going to school all week is beyond me.) so not everything had time to be dried and we left later than I would have otherwise liked. Okay not sounding too bad yet, it happens and we've managed through it.

The younger two were to be getting ready for bed and preparing for school the next day while I unloaded the van. Jordan was to bring me his dress clothes so they could be pressed. I quickly ran the last load up to the dryer at our laundry room (were I was eyed by a skunk about 6 feet away from me), to return to the two younger ones laughing and chasing each other through the house half in pajamas (honest I was literally gone for 3 minutes) and the cat following me through the house meowing at me for who knows why. Jordan brings me a pair of dress pants that are a size too small with 4 dress shirts he claims barely reach his wrists and every brightly color tie he owns. I like to plan ahead and had him look early last week to make sure he had dress clothes that would fit; he confirmed that he did and he was all set for game day. Now he tells me this is all he has, mind you its 9:30 on a Sunday night. Being determined that I know he has clothes that fit after all I had just bought them a few months back. Hallelujah! There in the back of the closet is his dress slacks. Okay the shirts barely fit but aren't that short and will get him through the day (this kid grows like a weed). The ties on the other hand would not match any of the shirts by anyone stretched imagination, so off to his little brothers room to find a tie. We find a tie although he is not happy about it being "a little kid's tie" opposed to having to tie it yourself; but it matches and is long enough. That's one crisis averted; and I did not yell :)

Next I ask about his shorts that need to be red per the school colors that he has reassured me for the past couple weeks that he does in fact own a pair, so there was no need to go shopping. I asked for him to get them out and have them with his school things so he wouldn't forget them. He was not able to locate them in his drawer where he thought they would be and had suggested they may be in his gym locker at school. Now I have not seen any red shorts for any of my boys since the beginning of September. I inquired how they "may be" in his locker, doesn't he know. I asked if he worn them within the past few weeks, his reply "Um, NO". So why would they be in the locker if he has not taken them to school? "Um, I don't know. They're not in my drawer. I thought I had a pair" UGH!! So then it was back into his brother's room to go through the box of off season clothes and finally finding one single pair of red shorts that just reach his knees in with Joeys' summer clothes. Someone from up above sure is looking out for us tonight. Second crisis averted, and still I did not yell. Although I could feel it right there waiting to be released upon my disorganized child.

Next was to wrangle the now dressed for bed younger two boys. While my attention had been on Jordan they thought it was a great time to pick a game to spread out on the floor and start playing. While I cleaned up the game one was sent to brush his teeth while the other laid out his school clothes. As luck would have it, tonight the toothpaste was empty and instead of saying anything he just hung out in the bathroom styling his hair. Toothpaste tube replaced and now two little guys fighting over the sink at the same time. *Sigh* Everyone is finally dressed and brushed and lead into bed but wait...the child with the very stylish hair never laid out his clothes. I volunteered to pick his outfit, but he was not going to allow that after all I had told them they were responsible for picking their own clothes. After a couple really mismatched choices he came up with one that matched close enough that I would allow it for wear at school. Third crisis (although it was a mini one) averted, and still I did not yell.  I could feel the yell bubbling over ready to fly out of my mouth from my building frustration this evening, but I controlled it.

After minimal trips to the bathroom for needs that were "forgotten" before being tucked in, I am proud to say all were sound asleep and finally prepared for their days tomorrow. I headed over to the Orange Rhino Facebook page to toot my horn for keeping my cool when before I would have let my angry words fly without a second thought. TOOT! TOOT!

This morning we wake feeling like we can take on the day. Jordan finally makes his way to me 10 minutes before we are to leave the house and says I think these pants are too short too. Sure enough about 2 inches of his ankles are showing. He stays to watch his still slumbering little brothers and finish gathering together what he forgot to last night, as I run to the store down the street. A was very blessed that there was one single pair of kaki pants in his size. I race back so he can change and get him off to school late. Not exactly how I planned my too early on a Monday morning after a long weekend. That makes another crisis averted and I still have not yelled (although we definitely had a nice talk the whole way to school). Just to play it safe, I hunted down another couple pairs of red basketball shorts at the thrift store after taking the other two to school and will drop off a pair with him at school; the way things have been going the ones he took to school will end up being too short.

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Will Work For Screen Time

Like most moms I spend a good amount of time doing household chores. I don't require my boys to do chores, but they are expected to clean up after themselves. My take on "chores" is that if something needs to be done, then do it. They also don't receive and allowance for two reasons 1. you shouldn't get paid for what you should be doing anyways. 2. I honestly can't afford to give them money for helping with anything above what is expected. Usually they are pretty good about helping when asked (even if I have to ask more than a couple time). However they seem to be slacking a bit lately and there are some things I usually do that they could help with.

We have a strict no electronic policy Monday-Thursday. Yep, no TV, DS, IPods, or computer (unless it is school related and mom approved educational) . Which makes electronic minutes a great currency.

I posted a Work for Hire sign and some tasks that need to done. They are given 48 hours to claim a job before I'll pull them. Every job lists what the payout will be upon completion. The more time consuming the higher the payment; 30 minutes for putting away everyone's laundry and sorting all the socks. Every job is first come, come first serve. They must complete all their homework before starting a job. They can choose whichever jobs they would like or none at all, there are no consequences for not taking a job. If they don't complete their job within 24 hours of  choosing it, it will be reposted for the remaining 24 hours so the other boys to have an chance to earn the minutes. Also if they need to "hire help" from a brother, they have to pay that brother half the minutes for the job.

When the boys came home from school Jordan was the first to notice the opportunity and snatched up the job with the highest payout. The other boys soon followed. While they were all busy doing their jobs I actually enjoyed a hot cup of coffee while I sorted the paperwork from their backpacks. After a quick check from mom to make sure they completed their task the best they could, they receive a "mom money" for the allotted amount of minutes.

I had the whole kitchen to myself to prepare dinner, the boys were quickly burning through their minutes earned. Joey was disappointed when his time ran out halfway through a race he was playing. He said "Don't turn it off, I'm taking another job!!" I HAVE TO FINISH THIS RACE!" Luckily today there were enough jobs, so he could earn more time.

Thanks to the boys helping out we were able to finish the evening duties early and had some extra fun with mom time. Jacob saved some of his electronic minutes so he could have me play a video game with him.

While I don't really like any electronics on during the week, I can live with it knowing it will not be an everyday opportunity. They don't have to use their time earned that day, they can roll it over. The boys were excited about earning electronic time, they wouldn't have jumped at the chance to clean the litter box otherwise. It was like they were "getting away with something" by playing the video games during the week. However everything is all caught up and they'll have to wait for more job to be posted before they can earn more time.

Linked up with Our Busy Homeschool for Sharing What Works.

Here's Your Sign!!

Would you hand your friend a sign that states "I received a ticket for speeding" and post a picture to share with the world? Would you stand on a street corner holding a sign announcing any mistake you have made. Probably not, it's degrading and embarrassing; plus who wants their mistakes made public. Then why do people feel it is okay to do to a child?

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/04/disrespectful-teen-made-to-carry-sign-along-busy-road/

I really try not to be judgmental or comment on how other people raise their children. BUT... I'm really having a hard time understanding why so many parents think it's okay to hand their child a sign stating their "crime" and posting a picture of it on social media or having them stand in public with it. I know there are as many parenting styles as there are parents and try to understand their approach even if I don't agree with it. This one really has me stumped though. I don't see how having a preteen/teenager holding a sign stating "I have a bad attitude and am disrespectful to my mother" is going to teach them not to back talk to a parent. I see it and think, she was disrespectful to her mother so her mother is being disrespectful to her; is that what I was suppose to take away from that? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that about the age when kids start voicing their independence.

I just don't see how this method will help teach the children to stop the unwanted behavior. There has to be a less demeaning way to teach your child not to throw food (or clean up after themselves). Most of these pictures have gone viral and will be out for the world to find for years to come. I'm sure these children don't want there mistakes splashed all over the internet.

I'm sure this method will stick with the children; not because they learned a lesson from the experience, but because they'll remember the embarrassment of standing on the street with a sign while the parents took a picture to show the world their bad choice.

http://www.ksee24.com/news/local/PHOTOS-The-New-Parenting-Technique-of-Kid-Shaming-Seems-to-be-Taking-Off-185590841.html?gallery=y&c=y&img=5

What are your views on the style of discipline? Would you publicly shame your child like this, if so what would be the result you hoped to reach?